The Mindset That’s Holding You Back: How One Phrase Can Sabotage Your Progress
There’s a common phrase I hear all the time when talking with women about their health and fitness goals: “I should” or “I shouldn’t.” It might seem harmless, but it’s actually one of the most damaging ways of thinking when it comes to creating real, lasting change. Why? Because it’s not rooted in true desire or priority. If you’re constantly telling yourself what you “should” or “shouldn’t” be doing, you’re signaling to yourself that these actions aren’t really aligned with your values or goals—they’re just expectations placed on you by outside sources.
When you say, “I should eat healthier,” or “I shouldn’t skip my workout today,” what are you really saying? Most of the time, you’re admitting that these actions are not priorities for you in that moment. You’re acknowledging that you’re aware of what “healthy” people supposedly do, but you haven’t truly made the decision to follow through because it isn’t something you’ve chosen for yourself. It’s something you’ve been told to do. This mindset creates a disconnect between your actions and your true desires, and that disconnect is a big reason why so many of us struggle to make lasting changes.
Why “Should” and “Shouldn’t” Are Problematic
Saying “should” or “shouldn’t” sets you up for failure because it creates an expectation of behavior that isn’t backed by genuine commitment. These words come from a place of obligation, not intention. When you frame your actions around what you should be doing, you’re telling yourself that you’re not in control of the decision—that someone or something else is driving your choices.
Think about the difference between, “I should eat more vegetables,” and “I want to nourish my body with foods that make me feel good.” The first sentence is about external pressure. You’re saying this because you’ve been told it’s something you’re supposed to do, whether by a doctor, a fitness influencer, or societal norms about what’s considered “healthy.” But the second sentence comes from a place of internal motivation. It’s rooted in a desire for self-care and well-being.
The moment you start framing things with “should” or “shouldn’t,” you’re essentially taking yourself out of the driver’s seat. You’re positioning yourself as someone who is being pulled along by outside forces, rather than someone who is actively choosing their path. This leads to guilt and frustration when you don’t follow through—because deep down, you know it wasn’t something you truly wanted to do in the first place.
The Role of True Desire in Lasting Change
Lasting change comes from internal motivation—your why. If you’re making choices from a place of what you want to do rather than what you think you should do, you’ll feel more empowered and motivated to stay consistent. When you focus on what you want, you’re owning your choices and taking responsibility for your health in a way that is both sustainable and fulfilling.
When was the last time you really sat down and thought about what you want for your health? Not what someone else says you should do, but what you, personally, want. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking we want certain things because society tells us those are the “right” things to want—like eating more vegetables, going to the gym five times a week, or cutting out carbs. But if these aren’t things that you genuinely care about, they’re never going to stick.
So instead of thinking, “I should eat healthier,” try asking yourself, “What foods make me feel my best?” Or instead of saying, “I shouldn’t miss my workout today,” ask yourself, “What kind of movement do I actually enjoy?” This small shift in language can create a huge shift in how you approach your health goals.
Moving from “Should” to “Want”
Here’s the real kicker: when you start removing the words “should” and “shouldn’t” from your vocabulary, you begin to take back control over your decisions. You begin to set goals that align with your actual values, not just external expectations. This is where the magic happens. This is where real change begins.
Let’s break this down:
Instead of saying, “I should drink more water,” think about how staying hydrated makes you feel. Does it give you more energy? Does it improve your skin? Now, reframe it: “I want to drink more water because I love how energized and clear-headed I feel when I’m hydrated.” That’s the difference. The goal is the same, but the motivation has shifted from obligation to desire.
Instead of saying, “I shouldn’t eat sugar,” ask yourself how certain foods make you feel. Maybe you notice that eating too much sugar makes you feel sluggish or anxious. Reframe the thought to, “I want to reduce my sugar intake because I feel more balanced and energized when I do.”
When you focus on want rather than should, you start making choices that actually support your well-being because they resonate with what you truly value.
Taking Responsibility for Your Choices
Another problem with saying “should” or “shouldn’t” is that it removes personal responsibility. It implies that you’re doing things out of duty rather than conscious choice. This is a huge roadblock to change because if you’re not owning your decisions, you’re not owning the results either.
Here’s a hard truth: you are the only person responsible for your health and well-being. No one else can make those decisions for you. And if you’re constantly telling yourself what you should or shouldn’t be doing, you’re not owning your decisions—you’re letting external forces dictate them.
When you take responsibility for your choices, you also take responsibility for the results. If you decide that you want to start eating better, then you’re also responsible for making that happen. And the flip side? If you decide it’s not a priority for you right now, that’s okay, but you need to own that choice as well. No more guilt or frustration about what you “should” be doing.
How to Start Shifting Your Language
Shifting from a “should” mindset to a “want” mindset takes practice, but it’s one of the most powerful things you can do for yourself. Here are a few ways to get started:
Notice the language you use. Start paying attention to how often you say “should” or “shouldn’t” in your daily life. This might surprise you!
Reframe your thoughts. When you catch yourself using “should” language, pause and reframe the thought. Ask yourself, “Do I actually want to do this? If not, why? How can I reframe this in a way that aligns with my values?”
Set intentional goals. Make sure your goals are aligned with what you truly want, not just what you think you should be doing. Focus on the habits and changes that resonate with you, not with what society says you should do.
Be compassionate with yourself. Changing your mindset and habits takes time, and it’s okay if it doesn’t happen overnight. The important thing is to keep practicing and staying aware of how your language and thoughts are affecting your actions.
Change Comes from Choice
At the end of the day, the most lasting and meaningful changes come from a place of choice, not obligation. When you start shifting your mindset from “I should” to “I want,” you’ll be amazed at how much easier it becomes to stay consistent and motivated. You’ll feel more empowered, more in control, and more aligned with your goals because they’re truly your goals—not someone else’s idea of what’s best for you.
So the next time you catch yourself saying “I should,” take a step back and ask yourself: What do I really want? That simple question could be the key to unlocking the lasting progress you’ve been looking for.
If you’re ready to start setting intentional goals that align with what you truly want, it’s time to take the next step. Download my free SMART Goals Workbook to help you break free from the “should” mindset and create meaningful, achievable goals that will actually move you forward. Let’s work together to make real, lasting changes—starting today.
Grab Your Free Smart Goals Workbook
Unlock the power of your body with our Smart Goals Workbook!
Take the first step toward your healthiest, most confident self by downloading our free SMART Goals workbook—because real change starts with a clear plan!
Download now to take control of your wellness and optimize your health journey!
Thank you!
You have successfully joined our subscriber list.